Friendsar

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.

My father said: “You must never try to make all the money that’s in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money too, because if you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won’t have many deals.”

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet ‘em on your way down.

What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.