Friendsar

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

What’s the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?A microwave stops when you open the door.

Rules of the lab1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.2) When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.6) Always keep a record of your…

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A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.The biologist said he wanted to do research on the…

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The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I…

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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Yo momma is so fat. You have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.

A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?Because blonde guys aren’t too bright either!

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “gorilla removers”. He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old…

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How can you tell if your wife is dead?The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What not to say to the nice policeman:Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So…

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“I really, really hate people.”
“Me too. That’s why I work tech support.”
— unknown

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.”In over 20 years I haven’t because I try to remain professional.”With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. “I’m sorry I really am, I don’t…

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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.Finally,…

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.”I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish…

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The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word “penis” chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn’t say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again – “penis”, this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out…

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