A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?""I'm in love." the boy replied.Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?""With you!" he said."But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child.""Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

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What is the biggest ant in the world?An eleph-ant!

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A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

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I am on my sea food diet right now!How does it work?Whenever I see food I eat it!

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Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really tick me off!"

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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"Forty-nine hands went up."Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

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One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try."Pull down your pants," she says.He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old.""That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?""You told me yesterday."

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Yo momma is so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership […]

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There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.They got married, and now he is going through hell.

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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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What do hurricanes and women have in common?When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple […]

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To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

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"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time." -- Robert Byrne

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A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?""Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?""Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?""And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?""Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?""Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."The guy says OK, and drives away.The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?It takes too long to retrain them.

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One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?""No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

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